“So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised….But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved”
--Hebrews 10: 35-39--
This past year has been one of the most challenging years of my life. I haven’t felt at home anywhere and have been constantly fighting to keep my head above water. Happiness has only come in short spurts and I have been churning in a sea of constant disappointment. Literally, I have probably cried myself to sleep 180+ days this past year, and have done everything I know how to do to find happiness and distract myself, just hoping it will pass. I am not prone to depression and for my family and friends to see me out of my element has made me feel like I am absolutely crazy. Satan has used broken relationships, death, insensitivity, injuries, temptation, rejection and every deceptive trick he knows to bring me down this past year. He has aggressively attacked my weaknesses, hoping I would flee from the righteous path and take hold of the temporary relief and comfort he deceptively offers. He has wanted to harden my heart and push me to the point of numbness and apathy. Literally, in 2009, his attacks have been EXTREME, more than vicious, and he has been warring for my ultimate defeat. I hit my ultimate breaking point a few weeks ago. So broken, so empty, just begging God for relief because I have NOTHING without Him. I literally felt like a weak little blob who was only breathing because that was all I was capable of doing. I was amazed that my tear ducts had anything left in them. I wanted to go crawl under a rock and never wake up because I was tired of simply “surviving.” I couldn’t distract myself from this either…I was in a season- ending skiing accident and could barely move for at least a week and a half. You don’t think about how much you can’t do when you’re a gimp. I had a lot of time for my mind to eat away at me.
Recently, I read a book called The Three Battlegrounds by Francis Frangipane, a book that deeply discusses how Satan chooses the mind, church, and heavenly places to wage war. My Mom went out and bought me the book when I hit my breaking point. We were having a conversation when I started bawling, being defeated by my emotions once again to the point where I felt like I could not control anything. While trying to form a sentence in the midst of my tears, I told my Mom that I felt crazy and was so worn out. She pretty much told me to step it up and stop allowing myself to be attacked. I needed to be in the offensive position, not just playing defensively and merely surviving. Satan has been VERY aggressive and I was not supposed to just stomach it. I needed to fight back and attack, a refreshing concept that definitely resonated.
From there, I had two options. I could choose to listen to the lies and deceptive feelings Satan continually uses to seduce me, or I could stand up and fight for the freedom I have been promised. I have been doing the latter of the two and let me tell you, it is still exhausting and uncomfortable. I have to constantly die to myself. All of my thoughts must be held captive, but out of this, my prayer life is reaching a new level of intensity. My pursuit of righteousness feels almost unceasing at this point. It is a thrill, but also scary. At moments I get overwhelmed, but I’m getting stronger. I am recognizing the power that lives within me through Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior. I may not win every battle, but I am confidently winning the war. This spiritual warfare thing is not fun, and too many things have happened to me and the people I love within the last year to let it continue taking reign. I have taken grasp of my authority over these demonic spirits and am literally fighting to the death, of both me and them. Casting them out sounds kind of crazy if you are not familiar with the Bible and Jesus’ ministry, but it's actually VERY empowering. By leaning on the ultimate authority in the name of Jesus Christ, those demons must leave for even they know Christ by name. The prince of this world is not going to win for I have gotten to the point where “I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong “(2 Corinthians 12:10). My joy is emerging out of less than ideal circumstances and I am standing strong with a passion that is being renewed daily. There is intense purity in all of my pain and beauty in my brokenness, both very strange feelings.
At the beginning it wasn’t the easiest, and there are definitely days when I don’t “feel” as strong, but overall, unhealthy strongholds in my life are being broken. It’s almost like Lazarus ripping off his grave clothes after coming back to life, or Forrest Gump breaking free of his leg braces and being able to run in full stride. As Hebrews 12:12-14 says, “Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Make level paths for your feet, so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.” Full relief is not completely here yet, but I know it will be soon. I’m aggressively fighting back and breaking barriers that have held me captive and cannot wait to see what God does with me this next year. Finally, I am REALLY choosing to rejoice in my suffering and taking to heart that “if God is for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:31).
There is a season for everything, and Satan is not taking me down! He aggressively attacks the strong ones out of fear that his own goals will not be accomplished. I am done tolerating his lies. Let us put on the armor of God: the belt of truth, breastplate of righteousness, sandals of peace, shield of faith, helmet of salvation, and the sword of the spirit, God's word.
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