Do ever just hit a point where you feel like a bulldozer just ran you over? You realize that nothing in your life makes sense, and you have been missing the point for a LONG time. Growth is never a fun process. It feels like such a roller coaster ride, up and down and life either makes complete sense or no sense during the ride. Sometimes, you get more information than you're comfortable with and can't even begin to process what you are beginning to wrap your mind around. Tidbits are nice because they stay within your bubble of understanding and control, but wrecking balls force you to take a look at who you are and what you are doing with yousrself. They SHATTER your insides and shake up everything you have ever known. Literally, you walk away and are so rocked you can barely stand.
Life is so strange. One day you start to think that you are getting somewhere, and then the next, you feel like you have been trying to run up a downward escalator. After all of your work, understanding, everything...and you haven't moved. The reason? Maybe we aren't supposed to move quite yet.
I am literally at awe with my life right now. Nothing makes sense. It is SO SO SO uncomfortable. I am waiting yet moving while I wait. I can't explain it, but I am just trying to take each day as it comes. I am learning more about myself, and literally tearing down thinking patterns and walls that have held me captive for years. I feel like I am starting to take all of this new information and apply it. I am learning to walk by faith in a blind manner. I have no clue. For the first time in a long time, I just don't know. I can't deal with things like I used to. I can't process things the same way. There are no words to describe these feelings. I know my identity in Christ, but I don't think I have been hopelessly devoted to him to the point of full satisfaction. I want more, and to settle for less makes me feel like I am stuck wandering in the desert with no water.
I don't realize it, but good things start to distract me in a bad way at times. School, work, friends...all good things in my life, but serve as relief from full devotion. I can't explain what I am searching or waiting for, but I think it's a season totally focused on the Kingdom. Not in getting myself wrapped up in ridiculous amounts of volunteer activity, but genuinely pursuing the character of Christ to the insane extreme. An obsession, a one track mind. No room for the weights of this world, I need to be hopelessly devoted.
What does hopeless devotion look like? I have no freaking clue. But I do know that it starts with Him at his core. The heart of Christ has knocked me down, now it's time to build me up. "For he (I) am looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God" (Hebrews 11:10).
This is not something I can rush or manufacture. I can't do anything to speed up the process, the cement is still drying in my foundation. And from there, it will take a lifetime to build this house and character of mine. I can't try to move into this house before the roof is set, and I can't furnish it until the carpet is laid down. The natural progression. Slowly but surely....
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