My Redeemer Lives...I L-O-V-E this song.....

Who taught the sun where to stand in the morning?
And who told the ocean you can only come this far?
And who showed the moon where to hide till evening?
Whose words alone can catch a falling star?

Well I know my Redeemer lives
I know my Redeemer lives
All of creation testifies
This life within me cries

I know my Redeemer lives

Ye-e-eah
The very same God
That spins things in orbit
Runs to the weary, the worn and the weak
And the same gentle hands that hold me when I'm broken
They conquered death to bring me victory

Now I know, my Redeemer lives
I know my Redeemer lives
Let all creation testify
Let this life within me cry

I-I-I know
My Redeemer
He lives
To take away my shame
And He lives
Forever I'll proclaim
That the payment for my sins
Was the precious life He gave
And now He's alive and
There's an empty
Grave!

And I know
My Redeemer lives
He lives
I know
My Redeemer lives
Let all creation testify
Let this life within me cry

I-I-I know my Redeemer
I know
My Redeemer lives

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I Got Tricked....

SO, I got legitimately deceived by something not of God. I had a very strange intense feeling just consume me for about 24 hours. It was regarding a future for my life that I am completely against. At first when I had this feeling, I felt like I just needed to submit. Like God wanted me to do something and just accept this complete plan for my life. But it wasn't in a gentle nudging; it was in a FULL FORCE you have no choice kind of way. I cannot explain to you how horrible this felt. I felt like my free will was completely taken away, and I would have to learn to accept this particular thing for the good of humanity. It was manipulative and made me feel bad about not wanting to do it. I want God so badly right now, and it played on the goodness of my hearts intentions. I was deceived, and an emotional wreck for 24 hours. I'm pretty strong, and to have something like this hit me was very shocking.

Satan uses good things to confuse you. He brings the spirit of confusion. Our God is not a forceful, impatient God. He will guide your heart into the right understanding. We as believers need to discern and test the spirits as they direct our hearts and minds. Literally, for the first time, I was heavily attacked by a spirit of deception in such a way that if I didn't have someone to guide me through this and recognize the spirits, I would be a wreck. Praise Jesus for truth and authority. I don't think I have ever experienced such an intense battle for my mind and heart before. It is so true that satan tries to attack the strong ones, and he uses below the belt methods to accomplish his goals. They're age old....

I just feel that because I am entering a new dimension of my spiritual walk, I am going to have to discern between MANY things. It's scary yet exhilarating. All the more reason to continually put on the armor of God....A battle may have been lost, but only to help me understand the straegy I need to win the war. I thank you Lord for continual protection and the spirit of truth instilled in my heart and mind. You saved me today.

The Wrecking Ball of Hopeless Devotion

Do ever just hit a point where you feel like a bulldozer just ran you over?  You realize that nothing in your life makes sense, and you have been missing the point for a LONG time.  Growth is never a fun process.  It feels like such a roller coaster ride, up and down and life either makes complete sense or no sense during the ride.  Sometimes, you get more information than you're comfortable with and can't even begin to process what you are beginning to wrap your mind around.  Tidbits are nice because they stay within your bubble of understanding and control, but wrecking balls force you to take a look at who you are and what you are doing with yousrself.  They SHATTER your insides and shake up everything you have ever known.  Literally, you walk away and are so rocked you can barely stand.

Life is so strange.  One day you start to think that you are getting somewhere, and then the next, you feel like you have been trying to run up a downward escalator.  After all of your work, understanding, everything...and you haven't moved.  The reason?  Maybe we aren't supposed to move quite yet. 

I am literally at awe with my life right now.  Nothing makes sense.  It is SO SO SO uncomfortable. I am waiting yet moving while I wait.  I can't explain it, but I am just trying to take each day as it comes.  I am learning more about myself, and literally tearing down thinking patterns and walls that have held me captive for years.  I feel like I am starting to take all of this new information and apply it.  I am learning to walk by faith in a blind manner.  I have no clue.  For the first time in a long time, I just don't know.  I can't deal with things like I used to.  I can't process things the same way.  There are no words to describe these feelings.  I know my identity in Christ, but I don't think I have been hopelessly devoted to him to the point of full satisfaction.  I want more, and to settle for less makes me feel like I am stuck wandering in the desert with no water.

I don't realize it, but good things start to distract me in a bad way at times.  School, work, friends...all good things in my life, but serve as relief from full devotion.  I can't explain what I am searching or waiting for, but I think it's a season totally focused on the Kingdom.  Not in getting myself wrapped up in ridiculous amounts of volunteer activity, but genuinely pursuing the character of Christ to the insane extreme.  An obsession, a one track mind.  No room for the weights of this world, I need to be hopelessly devoted. 

What does hopeless devotion look like?  I have no freaking clue.  But I do know that it starts with Him at his core.  The heart of Christ has knocked me down, now it's time to build me up.  "For he (I) am looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God" (Hebrews 11:10). 

This is not something I can rush or manufacture.  I can't do anything to speed up the process, the cement is still drying in my foundation.  And from there, it will take a lifetime to build this house and character of mine.  I can't try to move into this house before the roof is set, and I can't furnish it until the carpet is laid down.  The natural progression.  Slowly but surely....

Good Distractions...

Watch your thoughts; they become words.

Watch your words; they become actions.

Watch your actions; they become habits.

Watch your habits; they become character.

Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

-Author Unknown-

It was funny, today I was driving down the road and just thinking about some things in my life that have been constantly confusing. I was starting to give a little foothold to my mind in the defeat of my heart. It was by far not a huge low, but I could feel myself wanting to just give in for a moment of temporary familiarity and comfort. But then, in the midst of my confusion, I saw this beautiful sky with giant pillow-like clouds standing behind the mountains, all beautiful and radiantly displayed by the power of the sun. I just had to take a picture. I got totally distracted, like really really really distracted! It was like Stephen right before he was about to be stoned to death (well not that intense), but “full of the Holy Spirit, (he) looked up to Heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God” (Acts 7:55). As he was consumed and distracted from his immediate fate, I was given an immediate distraction from my thoughts.

Now some distractions can be good for me, and some can be bad. In everyday life we are distracted by laziness, thoughts, people, temptation, Facebook (I am so guilty). The list could go on for days. When people get distracted, they primarily go to a specific set of thoughts, the ones that are most prominent in their immediate circumstances. For example, if someone is struggling with depression, they may immediately start thinking about everything that has made them sad. Or if someone is really anxious about a job interview, they may start getting nervous and worrying about what questions they will be asked. People get distracted easily based on what is at the forefront of their minds. Today, I was distracted by the good. I was literally pulled out of my own mind into the awe of our Almighty Creator! It got me excited, because usually I am distracted by the meaningless bad things.

I love witnessing change. I love fixing things and providing encouragement for the Kingdom (I am definitely not even close to perfect in doing this…but I am humbly attempting to learn). I love seeing change in myself, other people, my family, communities, and etc. It brings me satisfaction and joy. The whole thought and act of repentance, completely turning away from something old in order to fully embrace something new. This is miraculous, like taking life out of death. Today, I witnessed an actual change in my way of thinking. It got me really excited. I want Jesus to always be my distraction.

Now, God is awesome. If you believe he has the power to heal, change, and deliver, keep believing. Rome was not built in a day and you will shortly see the fruits of your dedication and commitment to righteousness. And on that note, I am not saying that acts are the only way to reach the Kingdom thinking mindset, because faith is what gives you the motivation to continue acting. They are mutually exclusive; one cannot survive without the other.

If we want to be distracted by the good things, let us be consumed and delight in Jesus. “Oh, how I love your law! I mediate on it all day long” (Psalm 119:97).

Tis be true....

To trust in spite of the look of being forsaken; to keep crying out into the vast, whence comes no returning voice, and where seems no hearing; to see the machinery of the world pauselessly grinding on as if self-moved, caring for no life, nor shifting a hair-breadth for all entreaty, and yet believe that God is awake and utterly loving; to desire nothing but what comes meant for us from His hand; to wait patiently, ready to die of hunger, fearing only lest faith should fail--such is the victory that overcometh the world, such is faith indeed. --George MacDonald

My Breaking Point—Satan You Suck and I’m Done with You

“So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised….But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved”

--Hebrews 10: 35-39--

This past year has been one of the most challenging years of my life. I haven’t felt at home anywhere and have been constantly fighting to keep my head above water. Happiness has only come in short spurts and I have been churning in a sea of constant disappointment. Literally, I have probably cried myself to sleep 180+ days this past year, and have done everything I know how to do to find happiness and distract myself, just hoping it will pass. I am not prone to depression and for my family and friends to see me out of my element has made me feel like I am absolutely crazy. Satan has used broken relationships, death, insensitivity, injuries, temptation, rejection and every deceptive trick he knows to bring me down this past year. He has aggressively attacked my weaknesses, hoping I would flee from the righteous path and take hold of the temporary relief and comfort he deceptively offers. He has wanted to harden my heart and push me to the point of numbness and apathy. Literally, in 2009, his attacks have been EXTREME, more than vicious, and he has been warring for my ultimate defeat.

I hit my ultimate breaking point a few weeks ago. So broken, so empty, just begging God for relief because I have NOTHING without Him. I literally felt like a weak little blob who was only breathing because that was all I was capable of doing. I was amazed that my tear ducts had anything left in them. I wanted to go crawl under a rock and never wake up because I was tired of simply “surviving.” I couldn’t distract myself from this either…I was in a season- ending skiing accident and could barely move for at least a week and a half. You don’t think about how much you can’t do when you’re a gimp. I had a lot of time for my mind to eat away at me.

Recently, I read a book called The Three Battlegrounds by Francis Frangipane, a book that deeply discusses how Satan chooses the mind, church, and heavenly places to wage war.  My Mom went out and bought me the book when I hit my breaking point. We were having a conversation when I started bawling, being defeated by my emotions once again to the point where I felt like I could not control anything. While trying to form a sentence in the midst of my tears, I told my Mom that I felt crazy and was so worn out. She pretty much told me to step it up and stop allowing myself to be attacked. I needed to be in the offensive position, not just playing defensively and merely surviving. Satan has been VERY aggressive and I was not supposed to just stomach it. I needed to fight back and attack, a refreshing concept that definitely resonated.

From there, I had two options. I could choose to listen to the lies and deceptive feelings Satan continually uses to seduce me, or I could stand up and fight for the freedom I have been promised. I have been doing the latter of the two and let me tell you, it is still exhausting and uncomfortable. I have to constantly die to myself. All of my thoughts must be held captive, but out of this, my prayer life is reaching a new level of intensity. My pursuit of righteousness feels almost unceasing at this point. It is a thrill, but also scary. At moments I get overwhelmed, but I’m getting stronger. I am recognizing the power that lives within me through Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior. I may not win every battle, but I am confidently winning the war. This spiritual warfare thing is not fun, and too many things have happened to me and the people I love within the last year to let it continue taking reign. I have taken grasp of my authority over these demonic spirits and am literally fighting to the death, of both me and them. Casting them out sounds kind of crazy if you are not familiar with the Bible and Jesus’ ministry, but it's actually VERY empowering. By leaning on the ultimate authority in the name of Jesus Christ, those demons must leave for even they know Christ by name. The prince of this world is not going to win for I have gotten to the point where “I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong “(2 Corinthians 12:10). My joy is emerging out of less than ideal circumstances and I am standing strong with a passion that is being renewed daily. There is intense purity in all of my pain and beauty in my brokenness, both very strange feelings.

At the beginning it wasn’t the easiest, and there are definitely days when I don’t “feel” as strong, but overall, unhealthy strongholds in my life are being broken. It’s almost like Lazarus ripping off his grave clothes after coming back to life, or Forrest Gump breaking free of his leg braces and being able to run in full stride. As Hebrews 12:12-14 says, “Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Make level paths for your feet, so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.” Full relief is not completely here yet, but I know it will be soon. I’m aggressively fighting back and breaking barriers that have held me captive and cannot wait to see what God does with me this next year. Finally, I am REALLY choosing to rejoice in my suffering and taking to heart that “if God is for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:31).

There is a season for everything, and Satan is not taking me down! He aggressively attacks the strong ones out of fear that his own goals will not be accomplished. I am done tolerating his lies. Let us put on the armor of God: the belt of truth, breastplate of righteousness, sandals of peace, shield of faith, helmet of salvation, and the sword of the spirit, God's word.