I wish I was content. I wish I was satisfied. I wish I didn’t have to wait for things. I wish I could wake up every morning and be excited about the day. I wish I was filled with ridiculous amounts of joy every single moment of every single hour. This seems like such a foreign concept, and after almost two years of frustration after frustration, I am still not satisfied with this world. I get upset, I get irritated, I get tired…I get hopeful, I get crushed, I get confused. I have moments of happiness and joy, but nothing that surpasses all difficulty and truly makes me enjoy everything in my life. This is ridiculous though, I should be thanking God that I have food, shelter, wonderful friends and family, and everything that I could ever ask for. I have so much to be grateful for, why I am still not content?
Honestly, sometimes I wish I had absolutely nothing. I wish I had to survive each day waiting on God to provide. I wish I didn’t have so many options to fake satisfy myself….I get so distracted. It is said that is harder for a rich man to enter the kingdom of Heaven than a poor man. I completely believe it. The poor have nothing but God to rely on, they don’t have to sift through a variety of options, people, and things to know what is important and what truth is. Interestingly enough, my generation is called the “shopping cart generation.” We pick and choose; put back what we don’t want after testing it out. We are used to instant gratification, and we are used to throwing away the stuff that doesn’t please us or gratify us. The poor don’t have these options, in this way they are lucky.
Options are great until they begin to master you. They control your thoughts, and flood your decision making with confusion. They take hours, weeks, months, and even years out of precious time in your lives. But what happens when you have already exhausted all of your options? You are left empty or re-emptied. In this way, because the poor do not have as many options, they don’t have as many distractions in accepting the love of Christ. They don’t need to look at anything but their creator to satisfy, because they know they have nothing else. The rich go through the excruciating long process of realizing they have no options but Him, after going through many of the “fake options.”
I am by no means saying that the poor don’t have it rough; I don’t envy the diseased, orphaned, and dying of Africa in a physical sense. However, I do envy them on a spiritual level. They can say “Jesus I want more of you” and truly mean it to its fullest because they have nothing else. I want nothing else but Jesus, why has it taken me so long to get to this point? Nothing at all matters and I count everything at a loss in comparison to serving our Lord. I am poor in spirit and I need his fulfillment on a minutely basis. Although my troubles and questions have not disappeared, the Lord still stands and his greatness is still the same; yet it has been magnified in my eyes. Nothing I can do, nothing I can say, nothing I can even think will ever change him because he is unchangeable. He is so great that even though my circumstances rock my world, they don’t rock his. His very breath could discombobulate the limbs on my body or sink this continent in .00000000037830 seconds. How amazing is that?
Pretty much, I would like to live out of backpack and spend my days in the enjoyment of His creation and in the dependence of His portion. Literally, I am sick of stuff and things and temporary highs that lead to disappointment. I hate to say it, but I truly think like a radical person; radical in the sense that I want all or none of Jesus. “None” doesn’t seem to be the answer because He has had a beckoning call on my life since I was seven, and He always seems to draw me back. How do I not run or hide from His embrace? How do I avoid the distracting options? I think it would be easier if I had no other option.
Praise His name and Praise His greatness. He is the Lord of Lords and King of Kings. Amazingly enough, He is my very own Father.
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